"Some things last"

I finally watched "The Curious Case of Benjamin Button".

What a way to start ending this year. And what a year it has been...

"Midnight Cowboy"

Those were the steps I needed to take in order to get right here where I am now.


Restarting myself and my engines was the wisest move I could have made. Today I'm whole again.

"Flashback"

Everything around me seems to paralyze me.

I'm seized by the choices I have to make in my life in order to have a life.


Am I destined to feel this void, day after day after day after day?

"Shine on me"

There is a place called Nangijala. Well, it's called Nangijala because I like the name. I didn't come up with it on my own; originally it was the home of the late Brother Lionheart but now it is this place that I'm about to tell you.

In Nangijala, there is never too cold and never too hot. Clouds in the sky swirl and swift and change, and they are painted with the colours of sunset. Right above you, you might spot a few twinkling stars.

The grass is warm and soft, never dirty. The wind is pleasant and the waves of the ocean are calm. Wherever you want to lay your head, you can.

This is my secret place. This is where I go when I want to take a breath, when I want to let go of everything in this cold, silly world and feel like there still are some good things worth fighting for.

For a long time, I only knew about the existence of this place. I had never been there. I only had dreams about it.
On the last day of summer, however, I finally got there. All I had to do was to turn around from the direction I was heading towards and there I was. There he was.
And right at that moment, he had me at hello.

"Adult themes for voice"

Life is like playing Left4Dead alone in the dark 24/7.

At least today.


At first everything is confusing, terrible, scary.
Then suddenly, little by little, you get used to it.
No more adrenaline.

"Psychodrome"

Reality is nothing more than a dimension.

I prefer dreams in which I can sense your presence.

"Equinox"

Things have changed since the 22nd.

"An equinox occurs twice a year, when the tilt of the Earth's axis is inclined neither away from nor towards the Sun, the Sun being vertically above a point on the Equator."



Maybe we can start a new phase.

"Requiem"

The moon is shining ever so brightly. Finally.

All the stars in the sky are just very fine accessories next to it.
Next to you.

"Falling down"

Summer is slowly turning into yet another autumn, the days grow darker and some colours will flee for a while.

I'm left wondering if it's the end of much more than I'm prepared for.

"Something in these sounds hypnotizes"

I might prefer some fresh air now. Breath your toxins into me.

Music today:

Smote & Stunna feat. Submorphics First Light
Tomahawk Sweet Smell of Success
Dead By Sunrise Let Down

"Humankindness"

"Let's get unconscious"

Words are useless, especially sentences.

"Propane nightmares"

The dark substance is trying to take over me all over again.

It feels so much more tempting than ever before. Now that I can use this lightlessness as my deadliest and most devouring strength.

Now that everything in my life is moving forward

so


fast.

"Solid gold, fresh young face"

"The word 'hurricane' is the name given to nature's strongest storm.
A hurricane occurs when high pressure and low pressure masses of air come in contact with one another.

There is often a significant difference in temperature between the two masses.
One mass is warm, while the other is cold.
The warmer air rises, and the cooler air falls.
Likewise, the low pressure area slides down the sides of the high pressure area.

They swirl in and around one another, creating the beginnings of the storm."

"I'm only part awake"

Every person in my life is a light of their own shade: they guide me to follow the safest and easiest path of life.

I have no clear cause to stray but the darkness outside the lit and guarded pathway tempts me. It could both save and damn me, and it definitely could take me deep inside my own oceans of sorrow and solutions for ending the pain of numbness.

Music today:
The Mars Volta Since we've been wrong

"Sweet passion"

In a world consistent with only three different shades of grey, you always enter the room in full-blown technicolour.

"The love you give is enough to end my fears"

"You gave your body to the lonely"

Meet me at the Seer's Tower when it rains. When you don't recognize your shoulder blades and your heart decides not to react on any pain.


My bed is the deepest grave and there I go to sleep alone. After all, letting go was the easy part.
Harder times are every second after it.

"Drive a faster car"

I once knew a man whom I thought could or would never hurt me.

Then he opened up my heart with his bare hands.
He said that he couldn't handle the fact that my heart was the brother of his heart, the other half long lost. He said that my whole passive existence in his life felt too intimate. Then he set my whole heart on fire, turned his back on me and walked away.



The thing he doesn't know about twins is that we all burn. And that is why he keeps having nightmares about drowning in the waters of unreachable silver, gold and salvation.

"Sometimes it hurts when you care about me"

Please, don't fall apart. Have patience. Be strong and give time, take your time. Do not hide, do not run away. Be present, today and tomorrow.

Feel the fear and do it anyway.

"Strangers making the most of the dark"

It is almost humiliating how my sudden physical weakness has made me miss you and think of you this bad.

I hate myself for forcing myself to be cold and ignorant towards you, acting like I'm doing so much better without you when the truth is that not contacting you is eating me alive. I'm sorry if I've given you the impression that I couldn't care less about you or your well-being because I do. I absolutely do.

Not a single day has gone by that I hadn't thought of you or loved you or wished you all the best and happiness and success of this world, and every world I could in my powers to lay beneath your feet.

"Burning through my darkest night"

Please, someone, please please please help me to get out of this. I'm blinded by everything in my life, by my own joie de vivre and naivity, and I simply cannot recognize a demon coming my way. And he most certainly is here.


"The heaviest of burdens is simultaneously an image of life's most intense fulfillment."

Music today:
Pendulum
Thom Yorke
The Knife

"Like a boxer prepared before a fight"

Everything must get worse to become better, and the night is the darkest just before the dawn. I hope this is that moment.

Music today:
Requiem For A Dream soundtrack

"And life is wine"

A hop, skip and a week away.


Why do I feel like my whole life as I know it will draw its last breath right there? I still do have time, we still have time. But there are places and phases in life where they know nothing about clocks.

It's been hell of a ride but I've enjoyed every curve and bump of it.

"You sh-sh-shock my bones"

My heart is a full room but it feels like the loneliest place in the world when you're gone.

Music today:
Kings of Leon
Volbeat

"Sense and sensibility"

"The pain of a broken heart is, ultimately, a beautiful thing to have known."
- Author Stephen Armstrong about the death of his first love author Melissa Nathan

Music today:
Tegan and Sara Nineteen

"Russian Roulette is not the same without a gun"

E: And so the lion fell in love with the lamb.
B: What a stupid lamb.
E: What a sick, masochistic lion.

"Nature Boy"

There was a boy
A very strange enchanted boy
They say he wandered very far, very far
Over land and sea
A little shy and sad of eye
But very wise was he

And then one day
One magic day he passed my way
And while we spoke of many things
Fools and kings
This he said to me

"The greatest thing you'll ever learn
Is just to love and be loved in return"


Happy New Year 2009